An Epiphany for the Lost

I had an interesting conversation with God this morning on my way to work. My short commute doesn’t give me much time to hash out the day with Him, but it was enough to get my feelings out in the open anyway.

I grew up in a home where feelings weren’t a standard topic of conversation. I don’t know if it’s the Northern European heritage or just not an arm of my parents’ personalities, but either way, feelings are those things we stuff down inside and never deal with.

Salvation shifted that for me though. Especially within the last year, I have tried to be more open with loving people, talking about how I feel, and dealing with emotions the way they should be dealt with.

Let’s back up a bit too. Last spring I had a really tough handful of months. I walked through an intense season of depression that didn’t really go away until the fall when I jumped into a home group at my church. Within those months, we decided we had to get away, move to Nashville (a place I’d never been), and start over.

My husband interviewed for a really nice job, made it to the last round, and was passed over for another guy (their loss). With no other prospects on the horizon, the door was slammed shut and we had to face reality — and here we are today.

We’re still alive and kicking in Peoria with an amazing church community and stable jobs, but continuing to wonder what lies ahead.

Ever since I was 22 and the Lord closed the door on my life-long plan of going into the Marine Corps and becoming a JAG, I have felt totally lost. Currently, we are trying to sell our house, move to a short-term rental, then build the parachute on the way down, I guess. Who knows?

Here’s the thing about being lost — what on earth do you actually pray for? Not being lost? That’s kind of vague…

This was my realization this morning. I was praying for things I think maybe someday I might want or don’t want and I stopped. I just yelled out, “I don’t even know what to pray for!”

Ground zero, my friends.

So when you have spent eight years running into walls and not even knowing if you wanted to go through them in the first place, you just simply sit down and be quiet.

No more planning. No more striving. No more anything.

Just stop.

In 44 days, I will be thirty years old. No plan of mine has ever really worked out (which is probably why I have stopped planning pretty much everything). I have no answers, no direction, and no clear-cut path before me. I only have a cause.

Jesus.

And if I’m really honest, I’m terrified because what next? But I’m also incredibly excited because if it’s from the Lord, it will be a good and perfect gift.

And in the end, isn’t He worth all the loss, confusion, struggle, and ultimately, the glory in honoring Him through it all?

Without a doubt.

-CK

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